Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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