Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
