using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
