I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Farmville is her only friend.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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