Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
