Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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