Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
