nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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