He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
