I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
