She's JV to your varsity
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
