Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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