Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
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We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
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Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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