my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
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Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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