We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
