I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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