Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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