I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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