There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm just crazy horny about you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
