in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
