Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You're like the curious george of whores
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
50% drunk capacity currently
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
