i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
