dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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