youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
