u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
