my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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