I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
