Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
