I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
