My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
