God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
