Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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