please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
