I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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