I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
