I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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