My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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