i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
