i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
