the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My dick has a subreddit
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
