my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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