So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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