laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
