mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
