i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
