I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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