y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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