First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
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Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
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