she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
