Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
