does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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