just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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