I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
