Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
