Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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