I must be too annoying 4 u.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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