can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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