We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
