Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
